The Tactical Guide to Snake Plissken’s Hair
Posted by Alan Edwards
In honor of Snake Plissken Month, I thought it was important to take the time and focus on the most important advantage that Snake Plissken had in his one-man battle against the world. Forget his special forces training, Purple Hearts, and combat experience. It’s not his quick wit and acerbic attitude. It’s not even his guns (ahhh, the 1980’s – we just couldn’t get enough of huge unwieldy revolvers with massive scopes mounted on them). It’s not even his badass jacket. Forget all that shit.
It’s the hair, baby, all day every day.
Just look at that hair. LOOK AT IT. That’s not human hair, man. That is a visionary tactical system that puts a Battlemech to shame. It’s got everything a shit-talking gun-waving glider-dropping asshole felon needs to save a President. Do you doubt me? I think I sense doubt. Well, then, read on, and allow me to elucidate.
The tensile strength of a single human hair is 380 MPa. That’s megapascals, buddy. Do you know what that means? Do you? Can you explain it in simple layman’s terms for someone who’s like, say, an author/accountant multiclass hybrid? Because I, uh, know one, and I’d happily pass along the info. Just leave it in the comments.
Where was I? Oh yeah, OK, so a single human hair is stronger than cast-iron, wood, bone, nylon, and aluminum alloy 2014-T6 (I cannot speak to the other aluminum alloys. Some things are a mystery.) The normal human hair is stronger than motherfucking CUPRONICKEL. That’s right, cupronickel. Which sounds like a Nickelback cover band from Albania. Whatever. Human hair is stronger than that.
Well, let me tell you something about Snake Plissken’s hair. A single strand – one solitary strand – was dislodged when he was in New York – it sheds itself periodically to make way for newer, STRONGER fibers – and was used to garrote a man. Not only did it SEVER THE HEAD of the target, but the assassin lost all of his fingers. It’s like a friggin’ laser beam. Just SHOOM – fingers and head everywhere. That same hair was used as a replacement wire in a power plant turbine. True story.
You know what Snake Plissken’s hair needs? A goddamn diagram.
You know why Snake always knows what’s coming, even if he acts like he doesn’t know it’s coming? The feathering on the side of his head isn’t just for show, baby. It’s not just to make the ladies damp and the men angsty. Those perfect little poofs of hair channel sonic waves, radio waves, ultraviolet, infrared, everything, and beam it directly into Snake Plissken’s earballs. They are so powerful that Snake can TASTE SOUND. That’s right. He can taste it. Rumor has it that he claimed Maggie’s voice tasted like wasabi powder.
Snake Plissken’s head is completely invulnerable all the way down to the back of his neck. You think that tire iron the Duke used did a damn thing? Fuck that. Snake Plissken was just going possum, man. If you look at that shot frame by frame, you can see the IRON BENDING when it makes contact. And they made that out of triple-forged Vanadium steel just so it didn’t shatter on impact. Snake doesn’t need clothes, either, because his body hair is 100% bulletproof. He once skidded 47 feet ON HIS CHIN after going head-first off a motorcycle. It took a road crew nine weeks to patch the trench. Snake Plissken doesn’t shave. He just wills it to grow or retract, like Wolverine’s claws, only he’s got like a million of them.
Look at those eyes. Err, eye. See the tilt of the head. Snake Plissken’s hair is a natural 100% swoon-building masterpiece of coif. That’s right. I said coif. No other head of hair deserves the title. Each eyelash is independently self-aware and generates its own light, adding both luster and sparkle to his eyes. The eyebrows are the Pythagoras-Proven Perfect Angle, foretold thousands of years before their existence as the ultimate expression of framing. Snake once allowed a carpenter to use his eyebrow as a level. The hair is so rich and wavy and lustrous that it affects the movements of Earth’s tectonic plates. It triggers specific elements of the human DNA that stimulate not only the sexual epicenter of the brain, but also the areas that guide compliance, helpfulness, obsequity, and, for unknown reasons, a strong desire to eat clementines. It makes him not only irresistible, but also a natural spokesman for the citrus industry.
So the next time you’re watching Snake wreck shit, spout off, sneer, and actively attempt to destroy world peace, just remember, and give proper respect, to the one thing that makes it all possible.
Because that is one bad-ass set of fucking hair.
Check out more Snake Plissken Month goodness at the home Snake Plissken would have had if a man so untameable could ever have anything so tranquil as a home – Jen Kirchner’s blog. It not only is the home of Snake Plissken Month, but it continues his adventures with Escape From Seattle. Be sure to style your hair properly and don the eyepatch, kids, and just keep in mind that you’ll never be as cool as Snake Plissken.